Have you had your bits today?

Funny, random or interesting tidbits posted daily. Perfect with your morning coffee!

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Three Foul-Ass Dubsteps

And now for something completely different.

Dubstep's not shit. Shit dubstep is shit.

Borgore - Literally the sickest

Ajapai - This song is illegal in seven states.

Excision - This song is a war crime. Includes the phrase, "Power up the bass cannon."

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Inspirational Quotes

Changing gears a little bit today.

Keep steadily before you the fact that all true success depends at last upon yourself.
Theodore T. Hunger

Try not to become a man of success but a man of value.
Albert Einstein

To climb steep hills requires a slow pace at first.

You cannot dream yourself into a character; you must hammer and forge yourself one.
Henry David Thoreau

Sow an act, and you reap a habit; sow a habit, and you reap a character; sow a character, and you reap a destiny.
George Dana Boardman

Such as are thy habitual thoughts, such also will be the character of thy mind; for the soul is dyed by the thoughts.
Marcus Aurelius

It is one of the littlest known secrets that my whorishness is greater than any man would believe possible.
Ayn Rand

Friday, March 25, 2011

Anti-Jokes Part II - John Hodgman

Here's the John Hodgman Anti-Jokes I promised. He calls them "Jokes that Will Never Produce Laughter," but they're actually some of the funniest I've heard.

- A man goes into a bar, he has a dog with him. The dog is wearing an eye patch. The man says to the bartender, 'Ask me about my dog'. Unfortunately the bartender does not hear him, because he went deaf in one ear as a child. He serves a woman at the end of the bar. When he comes around to the man with the dog again, the man orders an imported beer. He forgets what he was going to say about the dog.

- A priest, a rabbi, and a nonreligious person are flying across the Atlantic Ocean, all for different reasons. There is engine trouble, and one of the wings catches on fire. The plane starts to go down. Luckily, there are enough parachutes for everyone. Evacuation is orderly. End of joke.

- A duck walks into a pharmacy and says to the man behind the counter, "Do you have any ointment? my beak is very chapped" the man replies "we have nothing for ducks here."

- A dog goes into a bar. He is wearing an eye patch. The dog says to the bartender, "Have you heard the one about the one-eyed dog?" The bartender, who is deaf in one ear, thinks the dog is making fun of him. He asks him to leave. The dog says, "Don't you have a sense of humor, deafie?" At the end of his shift, the bartender is tired of all the jokes. Today it's a one-eyed dog. Yesterday it was a horse with rickets. The day before: ants. He lives above the bar, in a small room. He spends the night alone there, listing to his battery operated radio, which picks up only a bad jazz station. He listens to bad jazz with his bad ear.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Second Bit - Anti Jokes

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

The Holocaust.


Knock knock.

Who's there?


To who?

To whom.


An Irishman walks out of a bar.


Q: What is red and smells like blue paint?

A: Red paint.


Why did the boy drop his ice cream?
Because he was hit by a bus.


A dyslexic man walks into a bra.


Whats green and has wheels?

Grass, I lied about the wheels.


How do you confuse a blond?

Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.


What's sad about 4 black people in a Cadillac going over a cliff?

They were my friends.


There's an Irishman, a homosexual, and a Jew standing at a bar. What a fine example of an integrated community.


Why was six afraid of seven?

It wasn't. Numbers are not sentient and thus incapable of feeling fear.


Your friend is so gay, he has consensual sex with other men. and enjoys it.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

First Bit - Humorous Winston Churchill Quotes!

A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.

A politician needs the ability to foretell what is going to happen tomorrow, next week, next month, and next year. And to have the ability afterwards to explain why it didn't happen.

Although personally I am quite content with existing explosives, I feel we must not stand in the path of improvement

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire. (Referring to Sir Stafford Cripps)

Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.

Churchill: Madam, would you sleep with me for five million pounds?
Woman: My goodness, Mr. Churchill… Well, I suppose… we would have to discuss terms, of course…
Churchill: Would you sleep with me for five pounds?
Woman: Mr. Churchill, what kind of woman do you think I am?!
Churchill: Madam, we’ve already established that. Now we are haggling about the price.